Is That A Goat in A Bathing Suit?

I could have died today. It totally could have happened, could have DIED. I know I tend to lean on the side of the dramatic but I need to be clear, I totally could have died.

I got stung by a wasp.

I don’t think it was a regular wasp, I think it was some kind of mutant science experiment gone wild.

Trevor says I am being ridiculous, I say he is grossly underestimating how much this hurts. I think that stinger thing is still in there or whatever because it is like 6 hours after “the death incident” as it shall be known and it STILL FUCKING HURTS – A LOT!

Let me tell you the tale of when I almost died today.

We went to the Millarville Fair. It’s a small town southwest of Calgary and each year they put on hands down the BEST fair I have ever seen. First off, it is creepy good organised (did you see my English Degree leaking into that previous sentence?) – from paying from your car to the tonnes and tonnes of parking attendants to the cute farm kids walking around carrying “ASK ME” signs. Of course, I have to wonder, can I ask ANYTHING? Like “what is the meaning of life?” “have your parents ever traumatised you by making you kill a chicken by whipping it around like in that fucked up you tube video” OR  “how do you kill a chicken?” But I didn’t – because I’m not an asshole yo.

They have vendor after vendor from the hudderite colonies and the honey farms to the organic meats and flowers. You also have rows and rows of entries from kids and adults alike. There are Lego creations, cakes, paintings and home made dolls and stunning quilts. It’s really pretty cool. I can’t even make fun of it because my kids are totally going to do it next year.

The fair also has the end all be all in fair entertainment, there is a Rooster Crowing Contest. That’s right. They have about eight roosters in cages and the roosters get a coin every time they crow.  It’s totally awesome and my kids cheer and laugh and love every second of it. I think they might be amazed that for once I didn’t lie to them and a rooster actually crows. They haven't quite let go of the “cows can’t actually fly over moons” debacle of 2009.

The Rooster Crowing Contest

Don’t worry – I am getting to the part where I almost died. AND about the Celiac thing too…

Wait, the rooster crowing isn't the best – the competition where kids and their animals dress up is the best. I'm again, not mocking this at all because if I wasn’t allergic to everything on the face of the planet, I would totally DO this. Kids pick a theme and then they and their animal put on costumes and compete for prizes. There are princesses on horses with unicorn horns, Cleopatra on donkeys dressed as camels and my personal favourite. A kid in a life jacket with a GOAT IN A BATHING SUIT!!! It was a FULL bathing suit and little goggles on the goats head. Beyond fantastically awesome. I might just go out and buy a goat to make it a bathing suit. I am trying to convince Trev to buy me a pot bellied pig because I really don’t think I would be allergic to Petunia (I have named my fictitious pig) but he refuses. I could dress up Petunia to look like an ACTUAL flower and then all I have to do is put gardening gloves and a hat on one of the spawn and I AM A SHOE IN TO WIN. But Trev says no…..

You know what else the Millarville fair has? GLUTEN FREE FOOD ! A LOT of it. I love it so much. Where the stampede has thousands of vendors selling garbage by the foot, this small town “gets it”. Each vendor promises organic, locally grown and gluten free options. It is so great to go to a fair and not fill my spawn with crap.

I choose the Primal Grounds Tent and man, did I ever pick well.

This all happened before I almost died by the way.

So I show up there and meet Margaret. She is the most gorgeous, delightful, wonderful human being I have ever met (she told me to write that but it’s kind of true so it gets to stay). Primal grounds has ALWAYS been gluten free and now has branched in to the primal soup company. She made me this turkey, herb smokie on a herbed gluten free bun with maple syrup, cheese and BRACE YOURSELF hickory sticks. I didn’t know we could HAVE hickory sticks but Margaret says we can and that makes it FACT bitches.

That is Margaret making my lunch with gluten free love.

It was one of the best meals I have ever eaten standing up looking at a goat in a bathing suit. It tasted fresh and juicy and full of wonderful things and it was made with a lot of love.  The kids had the chicken smokies and they were awesome too. You can visit the wonderful Margaret at The Kingsland Farmers Market. I know I will.

So I am just finishing up my delicious smokie and watching the spawn jump in some sort of inflatable box that always resembles a giant womb to me (once they get all the kids in there, I always get a flash image of octomom in my head) and I felt something on my neck. So I innocently, gracefully (because I am above all things a graceful woman) brush this creature of God away.

AND I GET BIT!

HARD!

AND IT HURT LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER

So I of course start screaming that there is CLEARLY a cougar on the loose so hide the goat in the bathing suit and the babies but I was quickly informed by a moderately snarky hudderite that I have been stung by a wasp. Now, I have no idea if I am allergic to wasps and because I am allergic to horses, I can only assume that they are of the same genus or family or order or something because zebras have stripes. (See how my brain works? It’s no picnic in here people)

I come to the ultimate conclusion that  am going to die….right now. I could almost FEEL my throat closing up and the venom coursing through my system.

 But my friend Letishia looked at my neck and informed me that I was indeed not going to die and I would be fine. I don’t think she took it as seriously as she should have because no one was making a move to call 911 to get me airlifted out of there. She just looked at me like I was fine. She added that I wasn't bleeding becuase this is how well she knows me, she KNEW my next question was if I was bleeding or not.

Later, I was speaking to a friend of mine who is a nurse, I tried to inform her of my near death experience and she simply glanced at my neck and shrugged and said that it might hurt but I should be fine. She didn't pull out a medical kit or a microscope or ANYTHING. I told her I will be writing a letter to the Alberta Health Services in complaint at her bedside manner BECAUSE I COULD HAVE DIED. She laughed in my face. Literally. Nurse Rachett.

So the MORAL of the story is….go to Primal Grounds and the Primal Soup Company and get your Gluten Free Goodness on. You will not regret it. Next year, go to the The Millarville Fair and love every minute of this fantastic event.

I hopefully will be fully recovered by then, I might still be in therapy. I can feel my neck swelling again so I am going to go lie down and drink a bottle of wine.