Pathetic but True

You are about to read a sad tale. I warn you that I am going to whine and pout for a bit so if you don’t want to hear about my miserable account of woe I suggest that you stop reading now.

We have a party every year for New Years. Trev smokes massive amounts of meats, everyone brings a side and we eat and laugh our way to midnight. We call it Meat-fest. This year was no different; everyone ate like pigs and deeply enjoyed the evening. It was a super fun night and we rang in the New Year with good friends and a lot of love.

It was a couple hours later that things went bad. Trev and I had just crawled into bed when the pain hit. I know that I haven’t really gone into details as to what happens when I get glutened. I try really hard not to make you guys hate me with a bunch of whimpering and pathetic crap. But I warned you that there would be some whining so here it is. It sucks, a lot. It feels like someone is stabbing me in the belly. It rips through from the front and then up my back. The pain is almost unbearable, and there is nothing I can do about it. My hands shake and my skin crawls and I feel so overwhelmingly ill I feel like I could die. It feels like I should be in a hospital, that’s how bad it is. The pain comes on quickly though and to go from feeling well and happy to that ill within moments is very unnerving. I crawled to the bathroom and laid on the floor so I could run a bath. I slunk into the tub and lay there, crying quietly waiting for the pain to subside or the water to cool off too much. I heard a nice soft knock at the door and my Trev asking if I was ok. Poor guy had been cooking all day, it was way past our bedtimes and he had to be up for my sorry ass. I felt terrible. This was no way to start his new year. Eventually the water turned cold and I crawled back to bed to cry there for a while with Trev rubbing my back and almost begging me for something he could do to make it better.

There is no sleeping with that level of pain so I eventually sat up and turned on the TV. The only thing on was that Jersey Shore show which I have actually never seen an episode of. What the fuck is that shit anyway? There was a guy who had to wear a neck brace because I guess on a previous episode he ran his head into a brick wall. And did you know that they aren’t even in Jersey? They are in Italy, going to bars and getting in fights while dressed like fat, tacky Bratz dolls. It am totally amazed that people like this exist. I also could not change the channel - I was totally invested and laid there in physical and visual hell until I fell back asleep at 5am.

Today I still feel really bad, the pain eased off a bit but I am still all achy and shaky and shitty and Jersey Shore is still on. One of them had to take a pregnancy test and I am surprised it read at all with the amount of vodka in her pee. Riveting. Anyway, I don’t know what caused the attack. I know that everyone was beyond careful with the food. I know that everyone checked every ingredient. It really could be anything. I could have eaten from a spoon that I didn’t clean totally properly or maybe it was the sheer overindulgence of it. Maybe my body just can’t be pushed at all. I don’t know and to be honest right now I don’t really care. It would be so much easier if my reaction was instant, then we would know exactly what it was and avoid it. There is nothing easy about this and it gets the better of me sometimes.

I warned you that this was going to be a pity party but this is what it’s really like to have Celiac’s. When it’s bad, it’s really really bad and there is nothing you can do about it. I still had a super fun night. I still woke up this morning and counted my blessings like I do every other day. If I have to put up with this asshole Celiac to have all the other great things in my life than that is the way it has to be. I wouldn’t trade my life for anything.


I’m going back to bed because Snooki’s boyfriend just left her in Italy and I have no idea what she’s going to do next.