I sometimes hate telling people I have Celiacs. Some people always turn it into a 'thing'. Suddenly, Celiacs is all there is to know about me. I assure you, that isnt the case. I know people that have introduced me as, “Laurie the Celiac.” To which I return the favor by introducing them as, “Bill, with herpies.”
When I tell NORMAL people that I have Celiacs it’s all very simple.
For example, this is the conversation I had with my friend Pat when I told him.
Me, “They figured out I have Celiac Disease.”
Pat, “That’s fucking lame. What do you have to do?”
Me, “Not eat Gluten forever.”
Pat, “Extra fucking lame. Are you going to live?”
Pat, “Good enough for me. Anything I can do?”
Me, “Nope.”
Pat, “Excellent. So about this motorcycle I think I should buy…..”
When I tell idiots that I have Celiacs, it goes very differently.
Here is a combination of typical conversations that I have had with the more annoying people I have met. This is not one particular person; it is an amalgamation of several morons. I call them the “expert” because inevitably, that’s what they think they are.
Me, “Thank you so much for offering but I have Celiacs so I am just going to stick to the cheese without the crackers thank you.”
Expert, “Oh, I read an article about Celiacs in my dermatologists office while waiting for my botox, I know all about it.”
Me, sighing, “Oh,”
Expert, “Ya, you get body aches right? And diarrhea? And your nails are brittle?”
Me, “Actually, no, those aren’t my symptoms but Celiac symptoms vary wildly and…”
Expert rolling eyes, “You don't have Celiacs, I know, I read that article, remember?”
Me, “I will take that into advisement.”
Expert, “My brothers, wife’s cousin has Celiac, it’s no big deal.” Dipping crackers into the cheese ball thus making the cheese ball inedible.
Me, “Well, it’s a big adjustment that’s for sure,” Looking longingly at cheese ball.
Expert, “Did you know that there are Gluten Free Breads?”
Me, Now just enjoying myself, “No way, I did not know that.”
Expert, “Ya, and there are crackers and cereal. There are entire companies dedicated to it.”
Me, “Shut the fuck up. Here I have been eating celery this whole time. Thank God I ran into you at this Mom’s group/party/bathroom stall you have made my life so much better. What would I have done with out this conversation?”
Expert, “No problem, did you know Elizabeth Hasselbeck wrote a book about it?”
Me, “Gee I wonder if she has Celiac’s”
Expert, “And you can eat out,”
Me, “WHAT? I haven’t left my house in 10 months.”
Expert, Now eating a loaf of French bread like a caveman, “It’s no big deal, you shouldn’t be sad about it. It could be worse. It's just bread, like really, there are lots of other things you can eat.”
Me, restraining myself from punching her in the throat, “Ya, well, it’s an adjustment.”
Expert, “And you can eat Rye, I know they tell you that you can’t but my cousin's, husband's brother has Celiac and he can eat Rye so you should be fine. Did you know that wine is Gluten Free?”
Me, continuing to sip my wine, “Ya I know wine is gluten free or else I would have offed myself. By Rye
Expert, “Yes it is,” Takes a bite of a butter tart and puts the rest on my plate.
Me, “It really isn’t” Putting plate in garbage. “But anyway, what do you do for a living?”
Expert, “Hey Jim! This is Laurie, she has Celiac, do you know about Celiac Disease, she has it. She is a Celiac. Celiac Disease, she has it.”
Jim, “You have Celiac? My Uncle’s second wife's mother had Celiac, did you know that there is Gluten Free pizza crusts?”
Me, “Fuck it, I’m out.” I leave.
Expert, “Oh no! I forgot to tell her about that awesome Blog: Are you Freaking Celiac? I have to go after her.”
I was diagnosed a month ago and have already experienced this too many times!
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